Today is a perfectly ordinary day in the Shumway household. It's a lazy Saturday, and all of your work for the week is done.
The sun is shining outside your patio, and the rabbit snuffles happily through the grass. Kade (if: $dolphin is 0) [lies sprawled on the couch, where he has been fighting that one monkey boss from Sekiro for the past twelve hours.] (if: $dolphin is 1) [leans forward on the couch, pressing the attack on the giant monke. He asks "Did you hear like...a dolphin?"] (if: $dolphin is 2) [taps his controller furiously then asks "Did you hear a dolphin...with coronavirus?"]
(set: $dolphin to 0)
Your friend Dan is coming over later, but (if: $awake is 1)[he stayed up late playing Apex Legends again and won't be here for awhile.] (if: visits is 1)[it's only noon so he's probably not awake yet.](if: visits is 2)[it's only 12:10 so he's probably not awake yet.] (if: visits >2 and <4)[it's only 12:(print: (visits-1)*10) so he's probably not awake yet. ] (if: visits>=4 and $awake is not 1 )[he's still not here. Oh! It looks like he sent you a text a few minutes ago.
(link: "Open the text")
<br>
[<img width="500" src="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E1AvOHvX0AEpoBV.jpg">
Guess he stayed up late playing Apex Legends again and won't be here for awhile. (set: $awake=1)]]
What do you do?
(link: "Tell Alexa to have a Shrek-celent day")[Following your meticulous programming, Alexa turns the volume up to maximum (after: 1s)[=
You wait in anticipation(after: time+2s)[=
Your speakers erupt in a mighty(after: time+2s)[=
(t8n: "rumble")+(size:2)[FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART](after: time+2s)[=
Your windows rattle. Children cheer. Somewhere, an angel gets their wings.]
(link-reveal: "Go to the bathroom")[?
(link: "Not yet")[(cycling-link: "Go to the bathroom, NOW!","NOT YET","You are SHITTING yourself", "naww yeht", "SHIT is COMING OUT of your ASSHOLE", "NAWW YEHT")]
[[Bathroom<-The bathroom sounds nice]]]
(if: $salami is 0)[[Bedroom<-Go to your bedroom]](if: $salami is 1)[[Bedroom, Part 2<-Go to your bedroom]]
(link: "Give the rabbit a present")[You look around your apartment for an appropriate gift, then step out onto your patio.
You could give the rabbit some carrots, a session of psychotherapy, or a gun
(click: "carrots")[He enjoys the carrots very much.]
(click: "psychotherapy")[You made the rabbit cry. You monster.]
(click: "a gun")[You give the rabbit a firearm. You are immediately hailed as a hero by the Texas Republican party.]]
(if: $baldrick is 0)[(link: "Pet Baldrick")[Wait a minute... Baldrick isn't here! (link: "Search for Baldrick")[After a careful examination, you see a trail of cat fur leading out the front door to your apartment (set: $baldrick to 1) [[Baldrick Trail<-Follow the trail!]]]]](if: $baldrick is 1)[[Baldrick Trail<-Go outside and look for Baldrick!]]
You step into the guest bathroom and close the door securely behind you. It's completely dark.
(link:"Use your echolocation to guide you")+(replace: ?light)|dark>[You emit a mighty(after: 2s)[
(t8n: "rumble")[eEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeE]
(after: time + 2s)[Truly, you sound like the most majestic of dolphins. (after: time + 2s)[
Unfortunately, being merely a lowly human, you cannot interpret your dolphin noises.
(after: time + 2s)[(set: $dolphin to 1)Unable to navigate the bathroom, you have no choice but to...
[[Start<-Retreat to the living room in failure]]]]]]]
(link: "Turn on the light")+(replace: ?dark)|light>[The room floods with light, illuminating your dragon servant. <img width="500" src="https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71lTjfJ0foL._SL1052_.jpg" style="float: right;">
He stands at the ready, quivering in anticipating as he offers you butt napkins. (set: $dolphin to 0)
(link: "Offer him a thumbs up")+(t8n:'dissolve')
[He lets out a gasp of joy. "Please let me cleanse your butthole soon, O Great One"
(link: "Little weird, but you can't fault his work ethic.")+(t8n:'dissolve')
[ He found his ikigai and he's following it - not his fault his "why" is "cleaning butts"]]
(link: "Look for treasure inside your toilet.")|toilet>[Sounds like a great idea! Get your D20 ready. You can search as many times as you like.
(link-rerun: "Search the toilet ")[(set: $toilet to (random: 1,20)) You roll a Perception check and got a (print: $toilet).
(if: $toilet < 5) [There is a strange white chair in front of you. You have no idea what it is.]
(if: $toilet >=5 and <10) [It's a toilet. You can't tell anything beyond that.]
(if: $toilet >= 10 and <15) [You lift the lid of the toilet and you FIND GOLD. Or at least, a golden liquid. You're pretty sure it's molten gold, even if you don't remember molten gold looking so watery. (link: "Dragons melt gold right?")
[You look over your shoulder at your dragon servant with a quizzical look. He prostrates himself before you and says "Please let me provide your anus with the care it deserves, O Great One"
You decide to leave the dragon gold where it is for the moment.]]
(if: $toilet >= 15 and $key is 0) [You lift the lid of the tank. Floating in the water is a strange device, flashing with strange lights and emitting a strange beeping noise. (link: "Hell yeah strange toilet device! Pick it up")
<br>
[(set: $key to 1) You pick up the device and shake the water off. It seems like some kind of walkie talkie, although much more advanced than anything you've ever seen. <img width="500" src="https://thumbor.forbes.com/thumbor/960x0/https%3A%2F%2Fblogs-images.forbes.com%2Fianmorris%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2FDSC_6846-1200x801.jpg">
(link: "Leave the toilet")+(replace: ?toilet)[You step away from the toilet, patting yourself on the back for a job well done. Your dragon servant takes the opportunity to also pat you...not on the back though]]]
(if: $toilet >= 15 and $key is 1) [You lift the lid and look at the spot where the strange device used to float. You sigh. Ah, what a sweet surprise that was. Alas, there is nothing else to find. (link: "Leave the toilet")+(replace: ?toilet)[You step away from the toilet, patting yourself on the back for a job well done. Your dragon servant takes the opportunity to also pat you...not on the back though]]]]
[[Start<-Return to the living room]]]
(enchant: ?link, (t8n:'dissolve'))(link-rerun: "Search the toilet ")[(set: $toilet to (random: 1,20)) You roll a Perception check and got a (print: $toilet).
(if: $toilet < 5) [There is a strange white chair in front of you. You have no idea what it is.]
(if: $toilet >=5 and <10) [It's a toilet. You can't tell anything beyond that.]
(if: $toilet >= 10 and <15) [You lift the lid of the toilet and you FIND GOLD. Or at least, a golden liquid. You're pretty sure it's molten gold, even if you don't remember molten gold looking so watery. (link: "Dragons melt gold right?") [You look over your shoulder at your dragon servant with a quizzical look. He prostrates himself before you and says "Please let me caress your anus, O Great One" You decide to leave the dragon gold where it is for the moment.]]
(if: $toilet >= 15 and $key is 0) [You lift the lid of the tank. Floating in the water is a strange device, flashing with strange lights and emitting a strange beeping noise. (link: "Hell yeah toilet presents! Pick it up")
<br>
[(set $key to 1) You pick up the device and shake the water off. It seems like some kind of walkie talkie, although much more advanced than anything you've ever seen. <img width="500" src="https://thumbor.forbes.com/thumbor/960x0/https%3A%2F%2Fblogs-images.forbes.com%2Fianmorris%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2FDSC_6846-1200x801.jpg" style="float: right;">]]
(if: $toilet >= 15 and $key is 1) [You lift the lid and look at the spot where the strange device used to float. You sigh. Ah, what a sweet surprise that was. Alas, there is nothing else to find.]]
Your [ballroom gown]<c1| is [bright red]<c2| with [silver streaks]<c3|,
and covered in [moonstones]<c4|.
[]<c5|
(click: ?c1)[(replace:?c5)[A hand-me-down from your great aunt.]]
(click: ?c2)[(replace:?c5)[A garish shade, to your reckoning.]]
(click: ?c3)[(replace:?c5)[Only their faint shine keeps them from being seen as grey.]]
(click: ?c4)[(replace:?c5)[Dreadfully heavy, they weigh you down and make dancing arduous.]]
(enchant: ?passage, (t8n:'dissolve')+(t8n-time:1s))Double-click this passage to edit it.Okay I'll be honest
I've never actually been inside your bedroom.
And I have no idea what's in there.
But that's okay. We're going to just do our best.
(Link:"Look at your bed?")[You have a bed, right?
Like, it's reasonable to assume that you have a bed in your bedroom, the room for beds? (link:"Yes, we have a bed")[
Okay, whew. We're making it work. Figuring it out!
Anyway. I guess you want to... (link:"look at the bed?")[
It is deeply bed like. It contains the qualities you would expect from a bed and it does not contain the qualities that you would not expect from a bed.
(link: "Wow, great description")
[Thanks! (link: "I was being sarcastic")
[I couldn't tell
(after: time + 1s)[because(after: time + 1s)[
I have(after: time + 1s)[
[<img width="500" src="https://i.imgur.com/bSLaGJB.gif" Loop=False>]
(after: time + 7s)[ [[Bedroom, Part 2<-You sure do]]]]
]]]]]]](link: "Open the chest")[(t8n: "fade")[The chest is filled with neatly folded clothes. Most of it is moth eaten, but your eye is drawn to a cloak that (link: "shimmers when you look at it")+(t8n: "fade")[Blah blah more story]]]
<img width="500" src=https://www.danielwendler.com/wpdanw/wp-content/uploads/ss.gif">(if: $salami is 1)[You are standing in your bedroom. Below your feet is the twisted wreckage of your bed. Above your head is the twisted wreckage of your neighbor's sanity. Above your feet but below your head (specifically, clutched in your hand) is your neighbor's salami.
(link: "Hell yeah neighbor salami")
[Your job here is done...perhaps it's time to [[Start<-Return to the living room?]]]]
(else:)[Anyhow. Here we are in your bedroom, Now what?
(link:"Look under the bed")[Ooh, now we're getting somewhere. You peer under your bed. It's real dark down here.
(link: "Use your powers of echolocation" )
[You emit a mighty(after: time + 2s)[
(t8n: "rumble")[eEeEeEeEe
(after: time + 1s)[(t8n: "rumble")[AAAAAAAAAK
(after: time + 1s)[(t8n: "rumble")[COUGH COUGH WHEEZE]
(after: time + 2s)[(set: $dolphin to 2)There's a lot of dust under here!
(after: time + 2s)[Looks like you will have to deploy your dolphin powers somewhere else]]]]]]]]]
(link: "Jump on your bed" )[You jump on your bed gleefully
(link:"Whee, what fun")[You bounce up and down, a smile on your face
(link: "HIGHER" )[Each time you land, you press off harder, flying higher and higher with each jump.
(link: "FATHER I CRAVE THE SKY") [A lesser mortal would be unable to go higher. But you... you don't skip leg day.(after: time + 2s)[
Power flows into your quads. You sink into the bed, and fly higher. Tears stream down your face. Your muscles burn.
(after: time + 2s)[You push yourself still higher.
(link: "This is what I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO")
[Your bowels empty, providing the last bit of propulsion you need to escape the bounds of gravity.(after: time + 1s)[
As the bed shatters beneath you, you launch towards the ceiling.
(link: "Shumway....PUNCH!")[With a single punch, you break a hole in the ceiling. You sail through it, landing in your upstair's neighbors apartment.
[[Apartment 312<-Howdy neighbor]]]]]]]]]]]](set: $salami to 0)
(set: $baldrick to 0)
(set: $Health to 100)
(set:$Snake to 100)
(set:$key to 0)You are in your upstair neighbor's apartment.
Or technically, the top half of you is. Your torso is wedged through a hole you punched into your ceiling (and your neighbor's floor). Your legs dangle above your bedroom. Each time you move, a small shower of drywall falls on the shattered bed below.
Your neighbor stares at you wide-eyed. It appears they just sat down on their couch with a nice charcuterie board they prepared for themselves. The charcuterie board lies capsized on the floor, a likely result of your neighbor's startled reaction to you bursting through the floor like the kool-aid man.
(link:"OH YEAH")[A single slice of salami - the lone survivor of the charcuterie board - dangles from your neighbor's fingers, inches from their mouth. Your neighbor appear frozen in shock. The only movement in the room is the slight wiggle of the salami as they tremble.
(link: "Take the salami")[(set: $salami to 1)You make unbroken eye contact as you stretch your hand out from your position on the floor. Your arm is just long enough to grasp the limp salami. Your neighbor holds fast for a moment, then his hand opens and you are blessed with the salami from on high.
(link: "It looks like this")[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/ZVXzjsv.jpg">
[[Bedroom, Part 2<-Descend, clutching your salami blessing]]]]](if:$Snake is 0)[There is nothing here but a still-smoking crater with a snake smear at the bottom. [[The Woods<-Continue onwards]]](if:$Snake>0)|fight>[You follow Baldrick's trail across the grounds of Ravina. The trail leads across the grass. A big sign warns of snakes and reminds you to stay on the trail.
(link: "Forget the sign! Baldrick needs me")[OH SHIT A SNAKE
(link: "Roll for initiative")[(set:$Health to 100)(meter: bind $Health, 100, "X", "Your Health: $Health", green)
(meter: bind $Snake, 100, "X", "Enemy Health: $Snake", red)
[<img src="https://c.tenor.com/WpAwgH2Eib8AAAAC/im-a-snake-snake.gif">
[(border: "solid")|action>[BATTLE
BOX]
(link-rerun: "Punch the snake")+(replace: ?action)
[(set: $Snake to ($Snake-2))You punch the snake and do 2 damage.(set: $Health to ($Health-10))
The snake bites you for 10 damage]
(link-rerun: "Kick the snake")+(replace: ?action)
[(set: $Snake to ($Snake-4))You kick the snake and do 4 damage.(set: $Health to ($Health-10))
The snake bites you for 10 damage]
(link-rerun: "Use the POWER OF TAPPING to heal yourself")+(replace: ?action)
[You furiously tap your meridians and accomplish nothing.
The snake doesn't attack because he feels sorry for you, but you do 10 damage to your self-esteem (set: $Health to ($Health-10))]
(link-rerun: "Use a CHICKEN ATTACK on the snake")+(replace: ?action)
[Sorry, you didn't buy the "Chicken Attack DLC set" (only $99.99). Your turn is wasted. (set: $Health to ($Health-10))
The snake bites you for 10 damage]]
]]]]
(event: when $Health < 1 and $Snake>0)[(hide: ?fight) (link: "You collapse to the ground.")[
<img src="https://c.tenor.com/WpAwgH2Eib8AAAAC/im-a-snake-snake.gif">
The snake looms above you, prepared to devour you whole. But suddenly you hear....(link: "Footsteps?")[
It's Kade! (set: $Snake to 0)
He runs up and stands above you. But he seems different, somehow. You rub your eyes and realize... (Link: "Kade, you're....bald?")[
Kade looks down and smiles at you.
[<img src="https://thumbs.gfycat.com/InsidiousTintedGavial-size_restricted.gif">
"The price of power, I'm afraid. Now rest. You did your part. Let me do mine."
(link: "ONE PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH")
[<img src="https://www.icegif.com/wp-content/uploads/one-punch-man-icegif.gif">
Kade destroys the snake with a single punch. The snake is utterly obliterated - all that remains is a smear at the bottom of a smoking crater.
Kade wipes the snake guts off his hand absent-mindedly then says "Back to Sekiro I guess" and wanders back to the apartment.
You take a quick dose of ivermectin to cure yourself of the snake venom then find Baldrick's trail once more.
Do you [[The Woods<-Travel onwards]]
or [[Start<-Head back to the apartment]]
]
]]]]]You follow the trail of Baldrick's fur as it takes you deeper into the woods around your apartment complex.
Eventually, the trail ends. As you look around, you notice something odd.
There is a (link-style: (text-style: "blink")+(text-color:"green"))[(link-reveal: "strange green light")[(show: ?spaceship)]] blinking from deeper in the woods
|spaceship)[You follow the light as it leads you through the trees, (link: "until....")[
<img src="https://static.toiimg.com/thumb/msid-71186216,width-1070,height-580,resizemode-75,imgsize-1125802,pt-32,y_pad-40/71186216.jpg">
Holy crap! A spaceship!
The UFO is hovering about twenty feet above the ground. You can see pawprints making a trail underneath the UFO, and then they abruptly disappear.
(if: $key is 0)[You search your pockets for something that would help, but you come up empty.
Maybe there's something [[Start<-back at the apartment?]]](if: $key is 1)[The strange device you retrieved from the toilet vibrates in your pocket. You pull it out and see it appears to be activated.
<img width="500" src="https://thumbor.forbes.com/thumbor/960x0/https%3A%2F%2Fblogs-images.forbes.com%2Fianmorris%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2FDSC_6846-1200x801.jpg">
The screen is shining with the same strange green light as the spaceship, and various buttons are lit up. They are labeled with a strange alien language
(link: "Press the button labeled ℘")[Strange alien music begins to play. After a moment, you realize no sound is coming from the device - the music is being transmitted to you telepathically. (link:"Spooky")[I know, right?]]
(link: "Press the button labeled δ")|shrek>[Your mind is filled with a strange alien image
<img width="500" src=https://www.danielwendler.com/wpdanw/wp-content/uploads/ss.gif">
(link:"It fades, leaving you forever changed.")[(hide: ?shrek) You accept the blessing of Shrek]]
(link: "Press the button labeled ≅")[
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/unbLx5B.jpg">
Baldrick's face fills your mind's eye! But there's something strange about him.
(link: "Baldrick, are you...an alien?")
["Yes, my human father and mother. My name is B-ald'rick. I was sent to your planet on a special mission to determine if it is suitable for conquest by my people. I now go to return and summon our armies to rule your planet.
You have been kind to me, but I must complete my mission."
(if: $salami is 0)[You search your pockets, but you have nothing you can use to stop Baldrick. He agrees to wait politely while you [[Start<-return to the apartment]]](if: $salami is 1)[You search your pockets for something you can use to save all of humanity...and your hand closes around (link:"the perfect solution")[
You hold your neighbor's salami aloft. The UFO immediately descends to the ground. A hatch opens and Baldrick leans his head out.
(link: "Meow meow meow")[His meows are telepathically translated by the alien device.
"Please, human family. Grant me the gift of salami" Baldrick asks piteously
(link: "You tell Baldrick cats can have a little salami, as a treat.")[He nods (link: "...But aliens CANNOT have salami as a treat")[
Baldrick looks crestfallen for a moment, then a look of determination crosses his feline features.
(link: "Meow meow meow")["Human family...does that mean that if I give up my alien ways and live with you as your cat... I can have the salami?"
(link: "You assure him it does")
[With that, the planet is saved! Baldrick leaps out of his space ship and activates its self-destruct sequence. The ship dissolves into nothingness, along with the alien communicator in your hand.
(link: "As promised, you grant Baldrick his salami")[ [[Victory<-He eats it gladly]]]
]]]]]]]]]]]]You have saved the earth, reunited with Baldrick, and discovered the existence of aliens.
(link: "Pretty good for a perfectly ordinary lazy Saturday!")[It would be... but today is not a perfectly ordinary lazy Saturday after all. I have a confession to make...
(link: "Demand to see the REALLY FAT CAT from the CHRISTMAS ADVENTURE")[Seriously? Right now? As opposed to, discovering the secret truth behind your entire adventure toda-(link: "GIVE CAT")[
(link: "All right, FINE")[We're not here to waste your time. We know why you're here — you want to see the big fat cat.
(link: "Well, here he is")[<img width="750" src="https://cdn.abcotvs.com/dip/images/3983672_081718-wabc-bruno-fat-cat-img1.jpg?w=1280&r=16:9" width="100%">
(link: "Thanks for showing me the cat")[Honestly I don't blame you for wanting to see him again]]]]]
(link: "Demand to KNOW the TRUTH!")[The truth is... today is no ordinary day (link: "You said that already")[
Today
is...
(link: "Tell me already!")[YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY
And your friends Dan and Kai are here to give you presents!
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/b5vutP0.png">
<img src="https://bl3302files.storage.live.com/y4mhVuDFs-SeB0meZcKl5QPMAJ-pvjSAzqEaZGXrVoi3ceDcac73cPTHLTw0lCeXq2CNMsHUOb1dDMqQFPlzuJ86s4rFAAg9qTolbnGnaOQ2AXHwf27LJ8mtEwBLl4iMftdg_nU6l007BYbihE_MU-SqRPBwETLsu2v1pDfJHFHI1DN5xAeYJWWwoGHv4qCQ3oP?width=660&height=495&cropmode=none" width="660" height="495" />
(cycling-link: "Get the presents","You have to get the presents in real life","GIVE ME THE PRESENTS", "The game is over", "PRESENTS", "No, stop playing and actually talk to Dan and Kai", "I'm a PRO gamer talking to people in REAL LIFE would SACRIFICE my GAMER SKILLS!", "Also I'm socially anxious talking is scary", "There is nothing else to click - go talk to them!")
]]]]